Nautical Nuisance
by Shanhime
Summary: A slightly silly story about Sephiroth and Cloudy and a swimming pool. YAOI in later Chapters.
1. Chapter 1

**Nautical Nuisance **

**Authoress note: **_**Ah Maths Class…the best place to find bored individuals who- look, do I really need a speech? Me + Maths = bored. Me + Bored = fan fiction.**_

_**I am also really sorry I haven't written anything in a while and, as my apologies I bring you a multi-chapter…ugh…commitment, here it comes.**_

The sun beat down lazily like a blond layabout who hated training. Its golden rays shot out in all directions like spiky yellow hair. Its sharp heat burnt like the flaming cheeks of said boy.

And yet, when compared, Cloud was not very sunny this morning.

Fair enough he was bright-eyed and busy-tailed but that was only because Zack, for no reason Cloud could tell, had just screamed. Loudly.

His eyes open very wide, very quickly and Cloud had to wait a few seconds and blink a lot until he could see again. Once he was certain he wasn't blind, he peered carefully over the side of the bed, his heart thundering away.

Zack grinned up, fully dressed and happily kicking the top bunk which Cloud was lying on.

"Morning Spiky,"

"…Did you just scream?"

"Yup."

"Um…why?"

"Because inventing new and interesting ways to wake you up brightens my Mondays."

Cloud growled.

Zack merely continued to grin up at him.

Cloud, however, was not grinning.

He was almost tempted to go back to sleep to spite the irritation he called friend but he had to go to training.

Unsteadily, the boy clambered down from his bed and tripped over to the wardrobe.

"Hey Spiky, you do realise you got swim practise this morning."

Cloud felt his soul wither and die.

If there was one thing that was almost certain to ruin his day/life it was swimming.

Mostly, because he couldn't, _and_ it was mandatory.

Cloud crumbled like bad pastry.

"Zack, please, if you can get me out of this, I-"

"Save it choco-boy, I have a mission later and I'm busy preparing by doing nothing."

Cloud blinked.

"That didn't make any sense.

Zack shrugged,

"Maybe so, but I don't have to swim on this mission." Zack ducked as a sock flew past his head.

As Cloud's will to live slowly left he thought as fast as he could.

"Come on Zack, I'll-"

"Still nope." And with no further words he left blondy to his despair.

After moping around for the best part of an hour and missing breakfast, he clambered into his swimming trunks.

He almost had to drag himself away from the mirror.

Staring back was an unsure, weedy, pathetic sight that Cloud couldn't believe was him. Now Cloud knew that he didn't have the most impressive muscles but not only was red not his colour, the boy barely looked twelve. And he was pretending to be sixteen.

Cloud sank to the floor again, He was so going to die.

Quickly dressing and grabbing his bag of pre-packing essentials he trudged down to the swimming pool and his own certain doom.

The swimming pool was surprisingly non-budget and oddly deep. The shallow end would have reached the General Sephiroth's armpit.

The authoress would like to apologise profusely at this point for making you think of Sephiroth's armpit.

Anyway, Cloud found his way there and entered the changing room feeling nominal. When his eyes left his feet and he found most of the room staring back he almost legged it but some masochistic part of his conscious told him to walk in.

"Hey princess."

"Wrong changing room _honey!_"

Cloud sighed heavily and tried to ignore it. Which he succeeded in, until the foot popped out of nowhere and sent him flying into the wall, inches from a metal coat peg.

Dazed, Cloud staggered back and bit his lip, trying not to scream out.

"Way to go Daniel." Cloud heard, a few snickers followed but Cloud was out of it. His head reeled. Nausea danced around him.

"CHOP CHOP! EVERYONE GET A MOVE ON! SHINRA DON'T PAY YOU FOR GOSSIPING LADIES! YO, BLONDY! MOVE IT!"

Some days, that mouth of Reno's was lucky he was a Turk.

Steps. They stopped inches from Cloud seconds before the ground jumped away from him.

"Yo, I said move it, not lose it, you gonna get in deep if you don't get up man!"

Cloud's eyes opened blearily and vision decided to pay him another visit.

"Whatcha doing on the floor?"

Cloud got to his feet like a baby deer.

"I…was…"

"Forget, just move it, I don't care." With that Reno left and Cloud stripped to his trunks and ran through to the pool room. Gracelessly, he tripped over a rubber ducky, which, by all means, had no explicable reason to be there save the humour of a cruel authoress and her accomplice Daniel. It wasn't really important why it was there, but because it was Cloud flew into the deep end.

At this point both authoress and Daniel felt guilty but as Cloud flailed around in the water, his head spinning and perception lost, there was only one man who could save him, and he had very important armpits.

This man had endured a very trying morning filled with five meetings too many and a brush in with the president. Naturally, Sephiroth was not the one who left worse off but Sephiroth needed to de-stress and the best way to do that was to laugh at the first classes.

He stalked through the corridors and into the watching area of the poolside. The sight he saw however did not amuse him.

The first years, even the bulky ones looked up in fright and even Daniel gaped. The authoress gazed up from her hot chocolate and tried not to think about armpits.

The silver maned General rolled his eyes as his let his jacket slip to the floor and ever so casually slipped off his boots.

All the readers and spectators huffed as they realised he wasn't going to take off his trousers but giggled in delight as their hero dived into the water like a swan to rescue the useless and clumsy but utterly adorable blonde porcupine from his watery death.

He surfaced with the boy hooked under one arm, the water dripping down his chest dramatically and his long silver hair drowning the rest of him. The readers gaped and swooned, the first classes gaped and some left for the showers and even the authoress had to put down her hot chocolate and go have a quick lie down.

Sephiroth gasped in the sweet air and threw himself and the boy onto the edge of the pool.

Everyone knew what was coming next even before Sephiroth took the next breath.

Peeling the blond's hair back from his face Sephiroth's open mouth pushed against Clouds and elsewhere several nosebleeds occurred.

"He has concussion, he hurt his head…" Sephiroth lifted the boy and felt through the wild hair for a lump. He found a small raised area just above the forehead, before he breathed into Cloud's airways again.

The authoress giggled away into her Hot Chocolate which, after the lie down was now Lukewarm Chocolate and several fangirls giggled away.

"IT IS NOT FUNNY," snapped the impressive man and everyone was silenced even the fangirls who would, given the chance, have taken down Sephiroth and glomped him in public.

Cloud's eyes fluttered open and rolled back again.

Daniel's friend stepped up but only because the authoress made him.

"Um..sir…we should…um…"

"SPEAK LOUDER CADET!" snapped Sephiroth. This was not what he wanted to be in his spare time.

"Sir, we s-should go get the first aider…or a medic-"

"Are you saying my first aid is not good enough?" the silver haired angel quizzed. Daniel's friend wanted to melt into the ground.

"He is!" snitched the authoress but was promptly ignored due to Sephiroth hating the fact he didn't have any hot chocolate and had to deal with a clumsy little teenager.

"Fine. Get the medic. I'm done here."

And, soaking wet, Sephiroth swayed out of the room, grabbing his jacket and stalking off.

Cloud hacked and coughed and spluttered.

"Did…where am I?"

/line\/line\/line\/line\/line\/line\/line\

Back in the room, Cloud hid in his bunk while Zack laugh his head off.

"SHUT UP!"

"No! It's funny! You got kissed by the General!"

"He didn't kiss me…He resuscitated me! He saved my life!"

"True loves kiss…saves the day." Zack made kissing motions and hugged himself pretending to make out with himself. He grinned evilly at the boy now glaring him, his hair was still sopping wet but it would be lovely and dry and everywhere by the next morning.

"You're lucky he was passing…or unlucky, it depends on your point of view Spiky."

Cloud decided it was time to change the subject or beat up Zack and since he couldn't do the second one, he said coldly.

"How was your mission?"

"Piece of piss! The girls were so into me!"

Cloud scowled.

"I'm going for a shower, if I bump my head-"

"Call Sephiroth?"

Cloud slammed the door and went to find a gun for the authoress.

**End Note: ****Don't forget to leave me juicy bribes and reviews….or no yaoi mwahaha…well…maybe…**


	2. Chapter 2

Authoresses note: Wow…I actually found the stamina to stay up late and do the next chapter…and not do homework, AGAIN. See how much I value my readers…XD.

Chapter Two

Once again the sun shone brightly in through the open window of Cloud's bedroom window. And yet, once again, it did nothing for Cloud's mood. As we have recently found out, Cloud is not a morning person and Zack needed to remedy this.

Zack was not an idiot. He knew very well that the same trick never worked as well the second time so he had to plan them out in advance. There was a time Zack had kept a little list of ideas but Cloud had searched it out and destroyed it. Brutally.

This made Zack unhappy so he made another list. A list with much better ideas and this list remained trapped in his head.

Today, Zack had to make Cloud so utterly pissed off at him that he couldn't possibly fly off the handle at the news Zack was about to deliver; because he'd have already done so.

Taking a deep breath, Zack pulled the wax strips from his pocket. He climbed up to the sleeping boy on that top bunk and peeled back the strip before smoothing it down….

It had taken great skill to acquire this strip along with gaining a reputation. His "suppliers" were worried about him, fearing they were for his legs but Zack had out foxed them, asking why they them in the first place.

So the spiky haired "pup" leant over the boy with his tongue curled at the side of his (own) mouth. He grasped the corner of the strip….and pulled.

"AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!"

Cloud was awake now.

He shot up like a shotty…thing…on rocket tablets.

"ZACK! What the FUCK!"

"Cloudykins…I have bad news…"

"Zack…you are freaking kidding me, there is no way I am downstairs wearing THAT!!!!"

Cloud had almost passed out when he saw the offending item of clothing. In Zack's hand was a pale pink monstrosity that was once Cloud's swimming trunks. He stood there for a full twenty minutes; gaping. He glared at the grinning fool before he attempted to speak.

"So, seriously, where are my real trunks?"

Zack continued to grin.

"It was an accident. If it's any consolation all my underwear is pink."

"IT IS NOT A CONSOLATION ZACK!" squealed the blond; his hair almost seemed to crackle with the electricity of his fury.

Zack was tempted to buy more rubber.

The authoress would like to ask everyone to put down their glasses and not eat her for her cheesy jokes that are hilariously unfunny. She would also like to mention that she'd be grateful you didn't tell Cloudy where she is hiding.

"Cloud, look, I am sorry, but there is nothing you can do, you have to go, after what happened last week, you-"

"CAN'T SHOW MY FACE IN PUBLIC! IF I GO OUT LIKE THIS-" he hissed through his teeth. Zack frowned.

"What are you going to do? Pretend you're ill and have Tseng come up and work his cure-all materia on you?"

Cloud shrugged,

"I could hide in the bathrooms."

"This isn't high school Spiky!"

Cloud shrugged again and ran to the bathrooms to hide while Zack rolled his eyes and hid the trunks in Cloud's mass of a wardrobe.

The bathrooms were fairly average sized with two stalls and two urinals and unhealthily clean. It was customary from them to be so as even the first class SOLDIERS had to share with the third. It was a design fault and Sephiroth forever harangued the President about it. President Shinra could only come up with so many distractions…

Cloud locked the door and clambered up onto the cistern, pushing his feet against the door of the tiny cubicle. It would have been far easier to have brought an "out of order" sign but that would have aroused suspicion. None of the cleaners would be willing to endure the wrath of Sephiroth if he came in to find a broken toilet. It was a matter of life and death in these situations.

Cloud leant forward into his knees and thought about how the words in "out of order" all begin with an "o". It was such a coincidence.

Being bullied as a kid had let him to hide in interesting places for long periods of time and he had learned to think seriously about minor things.

He had plenty of time to think and as he drowned out the disgusting sounds around him he fell asleep. The door opened and close, footsteps sounded and clicked against the floor until a pair of feet stopped outside of the door.

Outside the cubicle, Sephiroth wondered why there was no movement behind the locked door and pulled himself onto the sinks.

A short while later Cloud decided now would e a good time to return to the door. The lower members of the Turks would have completed their rounds by now and he was bored out his skull. He was grateful of small mercies such as that he was not a Turk. They had al the worst jobs.

He was grateful of the wrong mercies and as such, since he wasn't bothered, the authoress decided he wasn't entitled to it and because of this Sephiroth was still sitting on the sinks just outside the stall.

"Sore tummy boy?"

The way Sephiroth said "tummy" was twelve times more sinister than if he had said stomach and Cloud's big blue eyes widened even more.

"Y-yes sir."

Sephiroth narrowed his thin silver eyebrows in curiosity and irritation.

"Don't you dare lie to me boy."

Cloud tried not to whimper.

"You're that same pitiful child from last week, aren't you? I suppose you think you're witty and deviously clever for outwitting low grade clean up services such as the Turks and sneaking out of training, look at when I speak to you boy or I'll have to out on your ass."

Cloud dragged his reluctant eyes from the linoleum and caught the glare of the General. It excruciating, and remembering the previous week, a tinge of red crept onto the boy's cheeks.

"I walk in here, find the stall locked, and, curious as to who would have permission to be here on the 79th floor toilets during training…while everyone is on the bottom floor, not that I have to answer to you, but-"

The door opened and someone in 3rd Class SOLDIER uniform stood there, stared at Sephiroth, gave a squeak then ran off screaming,

"I CAN'T DO IT AUTHORESS! I'M SCARED!"

The authoress rolled her eyes.

Sephiroth narrowed his eyes at the authoress for allowing him to be contradicted by a mere grunt. The authoress grinned and climbed into her hiding spot while trying to type and climbing up a ladder with a plugged in laptop is no easy feat. Sephiroth would have loved greatly to shake said attic ladder but that wasn't possible as he was in a bathroom tormenting little boys.

"Explain yourself boy, and I suggest you do so very quickly."

Cloud didn't trust himself to open his mouth.  
"VERY quickly."

"I- I wanted to go to training sir, honest sir, I do, but my…it- my room-mate...my trunks…they- the washing, turned it pink, sir, I didn't…they'd tease me sir, I didn't-"

"Shut the hell up boy, you're giving me a migraine. Are you saying you didn't o to swim practise because your trunks got mangled in the wash, and you hid in here, expecting to not get caught? And, just out of curiosity…why do you have a missing eyebrow?"

Cloud winced.

"It…my room-mate-"

The corner of Sephiroth's mouth twitched upwards at the right side.

"Cadet, what is you name?"

"C-Cloud strife, sir?"

"Well, Strife, I like to think I am a calm, patient, understanding man-"

"Yeah, well, you know what thought did, big man!" giggled the authoress half expecting to be run through by a sword at any moment. She was however told to shut it and get on with the story by a certain group of impatient fangirls. I don't know if you've ever been between a bishounen and a fangirl, but it's not the ideal place to be if you value life.

The authoress bravely stuck her tongue out and threatened to delay the chapter if they didn't behave and shut up and was actually listened to!

Anyway, Cloud replied, with a fervent nod.

"Uum…yes sir!"

Sephiroth started laughing and the authoress locked her front door.

"Get out."

"What?"

"Get out of here this instant, IMMEDIATELY! I don't give a fuck where you go but GET OUT NOW! Either you stop wasting my time or I'll see you are removed from this company. I don't ever want to see you here again, unless it's for suitable reasons."

The door opened again and the same 3rd Class SOLDIER peered in. Sephiroth glared dis-interestedly at him.

"Sir…please…I gotta go….are you…will you be long? Sir, I-"

Sephiroth rolled his eyes and walked out, tripping the shy and embarrassed SOLDIER with Masamune. The authoress, safe in her locked attic with the laptop the only heat and light source, cringed at her finished chapter.

"They had Goddamn better review," she hissed and pressed "Add Chapter".

"Sorry Cloudy and Sephy," she mumbled.


	3. Chapter 3

**Authoresses note: Originally I had**** plans of not posting today and sitting and playing with my mymeeba…I don't know if any of you remember them but wool worth had LOADS and they were cheesy as hell so naturally I got one for Christmas. And I love it.**

***hums SpongeBob opening***

**Anyway, I was coming down from a (sugar) high when I wrote this and it's not crucial to the storyline but everyone wanted to know why Sephi was a grumpy-face so here you go XD Sorry that it's so short.**

**Chapter Three**

Immediately after leaving the wounded boys to their misery and despair, Sephiroth stalked up to his room for a relaxing, calming bath, which was what he needed at the moment. He had temporarily forgotten the authoress and her metaphorical stalking of him.

Slamming his room door with a ground juddering bang, Sephiroth stormed in the bathroom for a lovely calming bath. The lucky fiend, being a GENERAL, had a luxury-sized room with (get this!) a bath AND a shower while poor Cloudy had to deal with a communal shower! Can you imagine?

Little Cloudy…so young…so… (grin)… vulnerable in his nudity…

At this point the authoress had to muffle her giggles with a pillow because she shouldn't be up at 3.37 (and 44 seconds) in the morning because she will never get up, yatta, yatta, BLAH!

So, Sephiroth began to run his bath. The plug plopped in, the taps were turned on and Sephiroth's ass stretched against his taut leather trousers as he bent over.

Standing up again, Sephiroth discarded his jacket, hanging it neatly (!) in a heap on the floor.

Sephiroth's abs were still finely toned, his six pack glistening ever so slightly from the humidity of the room.

"Right, that's it!" said the silver haired legend, his eyebrow furrowing, "That is enough!"

And he slammed the door and locked it, so that the poor authoress couldn't perve on little Sephiroth!

"SEPHIROTH YOU ARSE!!! NOW THE READERS ARE GOING TO EAT ME BECAUSE THEY THOUGHT I WAS GIVING THEM A SHOWER SCENE!"

"Well you know what thought did."

"STOP TWISTING MY WORDS, YOU-"

"Go on…say it, I dare you."

The authoress growled and kicked the door, scowled then slumped onto the bed. Maybe she should find someway to wreck the room while he was in there. She thought better however, not wanting to die by strangulation.

When he came out of the bath and wandered around the room in a towel however she couldn't help but regret not becoming a reporter. Then she'd have had a camera.

Rubbing his long hair dry with a towel and quickly dressing, regrettably, out of eyeshot, he remembered the reason he was so grouchy that morning.

To say Sephiroth was slightly pissed off over this would be yet another folly of the useless authoress.

You see, President Shinra had just declared that any SOLDIERS with spare time were to help with the training of the younger recruits. Guess who had the most, spare time.

It was going to interfere with his "me time" and he needed it. If he didn't play- I mean, practise, with his sword every day then he'd get rusty. It didn't help either that Scarlet had pinched his hand crème claiming she needed moisturiser then bolt off with it before Sephiroth could slice her in two. He had no evidence besides his word however and the President was not convinced.

The authoress, deciding to stop making it worse for Sephiroth, lest she die slowly and painfully, put the laptop down for a minute to cackle maniacally in a corner over her reviews.

Anyway, back to the plot, Sephiroth stalked along the hallway kicking random first class SOLDIERs and grunts alike as he passed. It was a little more comical that it sounded.

After the little run in with the boy, he needed to go and de-stress with his sword, if you know what the dirty-minded authoress meant, but since that same, annoying authoress was there, he didn't bother and was going to stab the president in the eye until he coughed up the cash.

"Absolutely NOT, Sephiroth! You're not going to waste another 5000 gil on HAND CRÈME! We'll bring in the top stylists, trainers, anything to accommodate your needs but we are NOT going to waste money-"

Sephiroth opened his mouth to reply and spoke calmly.

"Think of it as an investment Shinra, you replace the tub that Scarlet stole and I don't walk right out of here this second and leave you to your petty squabble with Wutai."

"Wooo! Go Seph!"

"Shut up you!"

President Shinra looked as though Sephiroth was shoving his head into a blender. The president's head of course…not Sephiroth's head because-

"Shut up Shaz!"

"I am the AUTHORESS! Respect me! I control you!"

Sephiroth growled,

"I don't think so," and with that, he grabbed the laptop from her.

"HEY! Give me that back you….butt face!"

"Watch it girl or I'll slice your neck off."

"C'mon, be fair!"

Suddenly President Shinra looked up from his desk, his bulbous and ridiculously fat head was bald enough and shiny enough to reflect the gorgeous Sephiroth in all his wonder and he said,

"Okay Sephiroth, you can have your hand crème."

The authoress grabbed the laptop and scarpered off to find another hiding spot.

Sephiroth looked smug for the few seconds that Shinra was silent, but then he spoke.

"But you're now in charge of the 3rd Class SOLDIER's swim training on Monday mornings."

Sephiroth angrily unsheathed his sword. It glinted evilly and Sephiroth roared out.

"SHAZ! Don't you dare press that upload button!"

The authoress, who refuses to answer to that name promptly pressed the upload buton and was grateful of the lightning fast response time of broadband.


End file.
